im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
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