sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
