So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You pole danced in your parka.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
