Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
