Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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