Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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