He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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