I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
