I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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