Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
