Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
