I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
