I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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