My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
