when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
