I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Too much gin, very little bucket
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
