I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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