does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
