I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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