Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
