home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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