Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
