My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
