Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
