im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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