I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
