It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
