My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
