I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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