there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
