At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
