.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
