At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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