If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
