I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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