If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
