you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
