so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
