Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pants are for mortals
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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