dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
