She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize