drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
