i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
