I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
