I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
