I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just had sex on a roof
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
