if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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