so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize
