I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
