twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
