He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
