either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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