My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your dad touched me again.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
