i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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