Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
